I'm Alex

[noscuter1]

But then I already knew this, which is why I'd fled overseas. I was running away from everyone, because humans are terrifying things when they're frantic. They get hysterical, and I'm not talking about being funny. They get hysterical that makes you want to slap sense into them, or run for safety from them. It's always hard to know, I default to running away. So at 26, terrified of humanity, continually rejecting applicants who imagined their friendship would be desirable when they struck up small talk (and might have been, if they hadn't insulted me to 'break the ice'), being stalked by Ralph models (which isn't something most would identify with terror, but then these were very pretty girls who were the literal dice of their entire extended families - I'd just slept with them because they were hot, suddenly I'd get 100 unanswered calls and texts of 'caring' - in a fortnight - they wanted to know if I'd eaten, they wanted to remind me to eat? They wanted to get some sleep, so they'd wake me up - constantly. They wanted to tell me they loved me, then - embarrassed - they would renege on their love. The only embarrassing thing was the insanity of loving someone you'd met, and then slept with an hour later. Oh and then messaged 100 SMSs to, concerned about their eating habits. Ostensibly. I understood what was going on, or at least; I figured it out rapidly. I was so terrified, I stopped leaving my apartment for months at a time. Some of the prettiest girls you'd ever see, but I was terrified of all of them. It's hardly their fault, they merely wanted to "catch" someone who could provide for their religious, destitute families who'd rolled all their collective dice on these girls' looks, and they only had a limited time, you see? And because I'm not a pedophile, I realised - some of these unfathomably pretty girls, believed they were nearing the end of the line.

They were pretty old, of course. 19, etc. 20. But this is a very confused world, and the ever-confused queue for purity is the subject for another essay. They were at the end of their imagined 'attractive opportunity timeframe' - this is the important point. And my skin colour qualified me. Period. They fell in love not with my personality, and I literally understood the horrific reality instantly. They fell in love because I'd slammed the door in their faces without realising it. They'd horrified me into slamming shut every door, and every girl was losing their fucking minds. This is the dark nature of human corruption that no one hardly talks about. They were not falling for me. They were stalking me, obsessed. Their obsession was generated by their own insanity, literally and figuratively. I'd have married half these girls, if they were sane. I am - and will always be - incapable of returning an SMS of caring or mothering, if we barely know each other. Too creepy for me. I just run.

They were under a lot of pressure, of course. And they weren't all idiots. Some were really heart-breaking, when they beat themselves up knowing they'd made a mistake. But then what could I tell them, that they hadn't? I'd have not messaged back anyway? I didn't know what to say, when their stalking would get really interactive. And heart-breaking. I tried giving some of them money, but then that wasn't intelligent - in hindsight. You don't want to send signals - quite - that mixed, to insanity. I didn't do that more than a couple times. Poor girls. And poor me. I could only imagine how terrifying my life would be if I was someone who flashed "bling". You see, they knew my skin colour meant I could afford to feed their families in a nation where 90 million victims of religion are divided into the haves (less than 1%) and the have-nots (99%) and 70% of the have-nots lived on under $2/day. If they'd known I was a kid millionaire...I think I'd probably be dead. I was afraid for my life, a few times; and no male family members ever felt the need to get involved. This is more than I can say for some friends, who promptly raced home in terror. Logical fail, or did they think they'd scare love into them?

I shuddered, at the thought - at every thought. I got tired of shuddering non-stop; so I turned off the news. But the shuddering didn't stop. I still had friends, and the only place I ever found peace was on forums giving poker advice to kids who weren't moronic victims of their mothers. Kids who could be told "that's moronic, that play - what you should have done is xxx, for yyy reasons" without falling apart and getting bum-hurt. Many players did exactly that. And instantly, I did the kindest thing I could possibly do. I'd tell them they should give up poker. No one who fails logic that badly should ever play. It's a brutal game. Only a creep would suggest those who get bum-hurt at being told something unoffensive, but imagined by them to be somehow 'mean'; could even stand a chance. They'd get destroyed. I'd tell them this. They'd get horrified.

They wanted me to lie to them. I couldn't possibly see why that would be in my interests. So I didn't.

I'd never been very good at lying. I merely manipulated the truth occasionally, when I was up against the odds and felt I 'needed' to. So I sold my hardship to those who gave me clues they were the pitying time, as stoic or dignified / heroic. I'm not sure it was ever any of those things. I was just surviving. To those who I believed were the sort to respond to a man's man, I faked a remarkably convincing incorrigible rogue. To those who I believed were the sort to respond to sensitivity, I became embarrassingly White Knight or, as I wouldn't have put it to them at the time - quite as delicately - I became hilariously faggot. But then I'd never met one, I just hated them on principle - concerned I might be one. Don't fight the logic of fear.

There isn't any. That's why fear is illogical. But then I'm not being insightful. JFK nailed that insight. I recognised it, when I read it, as one of the most brilliant things I'd ever read. A decade later, I understood it for the first time. I thought JFK was making a point about heroism or something, which he ironically paid the price for, or something. It wasn't until I was 29 when I understood what JFK meant about fear; he didn't mean there aren't dangers, of course we all live at the pleasure of powers we cannot even fathom. JFK was saying, it's moronic to fear what you have no control over. Because in fearing, you become controllable. You become exploitable. You become more afraid.

If you fear, you will be made to be afraid.

Terrified poker players were so easily cut up, it was truly horrifying. Sit down at a table afraid, and you'd probably lost the game right there. Don't get confused, by the idiotic 'corollary'. You cannot win, simply by "being in it, to win it" and by being fearless. You can totally win, playing that way - but then you'll have to be pretty lucky. You almost cannot win, period; if you're too terrified to make a play. I've literally bombed out of tourneys, countless times; being blinded out until it was too late to even get my stack in to run it. This was in the days where I knew how to play, quite well; but the insane pressure I was placing on myself meant I literally forgot I even knew how to play, on occasion. I'm serious. I was chip leader in events like the Ladbrokes 2000 quid entry in Tallinn, Estonia in like 2006 or something. The best field of players I'd ever seen; but then I was right at home - I played these guys every day online. I was chip leader with 10 left and 8 were coming back the next day. I didn't come back. I went out 10th, literally blinding out as short stacks won dozens of consecutive all-ins. In a row. It was hilarious. I forgot poker. I'm 100% serious. I forgot I knew how to play. I might have been - on paper - the best player in the field. But you're not going to do very well - in reality - when you're so afraid you become dysfunctional. You won't play a very good game, no matter how well you can play - on paper.

It's funny. But 7 billion people could use that advice, for the Game of Life.

That's why they killed JFK, and in dying, he proved his point. But everyone got confused. And started doing exactly what he warned them was pointless, which is why the manner in which he was killed was as important to confused power/s as the 'fact' that he had to die. He died for trying to explain away your imbecilic confusion. But then everyone got confused. Everyone became afraid, and he was the last non-traitor President the US has had. Even Jackie became a whore. Oh yOu knOw what I'm talking about. But maybe that's unfair. Maybe she was really in love the 2nd time around?

Hah.

I wonder how impressively - or how often - she had to fake it. Everyone fakes it. This world is moronic, and stopped being sane a long time ago. Pretty sure we were all sane once. We got to the top of a pretty important food chain, by listening to our DNA. We're no longer at the top of that food chain, wake up and look around. Humans are being slaughtered by the tens of millions by a confused new breed: junkies, who've forgotten they're human. And humanity has never been more inhumane.